HOW TO “WRITER”

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Originally posted on http://coolerbs.com/  (Now updated & re-posted here!)

 JANUARY 17, 2015

 

For everyone who wants to be a writer, I present the honest answers to all of your questions:

What are writers?

People who write words, preferably ones that chain together to mean something.

Can I become a writer?

Yes.

Who can be a writer?

Anyone.

Is (blank) a writer?

Does that person write words? If so, then yes.

How do I become a writer? 

Write.

What do writers do?

Write.

How do I become a professional writer?

Write for free until someone offers to pay you for it. Then, write for them.

Does writing take practice?

Yes. Everything takes practice.

Do writers make a lot of money?

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA… not usually.

Will I become a professional writer?

Statistically? Probably not.

Do I need to write every day?

You don’t need to, but I recommend it.

Do writers need to read books?

Yes, constantly. How do you think we manage to get all of those words into our heads?

What is the worst thing you can do as a writer?

Mass murder.

Can I make a living as a writer?

That really depends on what type of writing you want to do. Fiction writing is really risky and hard. You could crash and burn at any moment, and that’s assuming you manage to get off the ground at all. Ghostwriting or technical writing, on the other hand, is fairly consistent work, and pays decent. Editing, which is sort of like writing in its own way, also pays well. Writing for a website is actually feasible, but the website has to be really successful. It’s entirely possible, but it’s an upward battle.

Will writers exist in one hundred years?

I hope so.

Why are writers important?

Because, without us, all you would have to read are the labels on food packages.

Why do writers not like people?

We like people! We just don’t like being around people.

Does writing give you a God Complex?

Yes.

Why are writers crazy/depressed/weird?

Couple of reasons:

  • We’re isolated all the time, partially by choice.
  • We create and kill fictional people.
  • A combination of crippling self-doubt and an over-inflated ego.
  • We’re constantly told we’re supposed to be crazy.
  • We’re in our heads all the time, and sometimes we forget to come out.
  • We have to wait for things to happen without any guarantees.
  • We have to survive on the money we make writing.
  • Critics.

Why are writers alcoholics/drug-users?

That’s a stereotype.

How do I write a book?

In no particular order:

  • Write thousands of words.
  • Rewrite thousands of words.
  • Overcome writers block.
  • Create a plot.
  • Create characters.
  • Create conflict.
  • Cry a little.
  • Fight carpal tunnel syndrome.
  • Learn about yourself.
  • Learn about what it means to be human.
  • Cry heavily.
  • Spend years on it.
  • Spend more years on it.
  • Procrastinate
  • Write an ending.
  • Rewrite nearly everything.
  • Have a party
  • Finish the book.

What is the best genre to write?

If you’re going by sales, then probably Erotica or Young Adult Dystopian Fiction.

Can I write about Werewolves/Vampires?

Yes, but I won’t like you very much.

What should I write about?

Really? You’re asking me? If you don’t already have hundreds of ideas, then I think you are in the wrong line of work my friend.

What is a “Muse”?

A little voice in our heads that tell us what to write about.

What is “Writer’s Block”?

When your “Muse” stops talking to you.

How do I know when I’m done writing a book?

When it’s the exact story you want to tell, and has absolutely no grammar errors, spelling errors, font issues, size issues, formatting mistakes, or plot holes.

Self-Publishing or Traditional?

Both are fine. Choose what you think will work better.

Do I need to get my book professionally edited?

Yes.

Do I need to get it professionally illustrated?

Yes.

Do I need to get my cover professionally made?

Yes.

What’s a first draft?

The first version of a book, before you go back in and tear the whole thing apart, fixing errors as you go.

How many drafts are there of a book?

As many as needed, sometimes more than 10.

Will my first book get published?

Unlikely. Sorry.

Am I going to become famous when I publish my first book?

No.

How do celebrities write books?

They don’t. Usually a ghostwriter does it for them.

How does James Patterson and Stephen King write so many books?

They write all day. Every day. Till their fingers bleed, heal, and then bleed again.

What is NANOWRIMO?

A contest where you have a month to write the first draft of a book.

What is a manuscript?

According to Google:  “A manuscript is any document written by hand, or manually typewritten, as opposed to being mechanically printed or reproduced in some automated way.”

Why does no one like my writing?

I’m sure someone likes your writing.

Am I a good writer?

Possibly.

Am I a great writer?

If you think you’re a great writer, then you’re probably not. The greats are hyper-critical of themselves.

What are the downsides of being a writer?

  • Eye strain.
  • Loneliness.
  • Hand cramps.
  • Back cramps.
  • Self-doubt.
  • Awkward at parties.
  • Madness.

What are the upsides of being a writer?

The things you create are immortal.

How hard do writers work?

Harder then you could possibly imagine.

Is it worth it?

Yes.

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6 thoughts on “HOW TO “WRITER”

  1. Reblogged this on Writing Fiction Now.com and commented:
    A terrificly funny and poignant Thanksgiving post, by way of author, Paul White, on the trials and tribulations of being a writer. It will make you laugh, while also sneaking in some sound, author to author advice:

    “Can I make a living as a writer?
    That really depends on what type of writing you want to do. Fiction writing is really risky and hard. You could crash and burn at any moment, and that’s assuming you manage to get off the ground at all. Ghostwriting or technical writing, on the other hand, is fairly consistent work, and pays decent. Editing, which is sort of like writing in its own way, also pays well. Writing for a website is actually feasible, but the website has to be really successful. It’s entirely possible, but it’s an upward battle.” (White)

    Like

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